I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
