We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You took a bar mat shot.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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