Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
