ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
