If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
