my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I look better un-naked...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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