I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
