just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
