"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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