Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
