Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
