Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize