she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
