I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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