I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
