Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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