Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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