Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
