I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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