I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
