The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
