can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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