had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
