You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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