dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
