I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
