she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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