Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize