Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
