in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
