Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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