I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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