I think my fart just growled at me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize