Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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