I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
