If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
