My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
