The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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