I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
