Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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