i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
