More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
