everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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