i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
