took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
