I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
