I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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