Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize