why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I can't turn off my feet"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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