I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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