i was rollin on her like bob the builder
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
