i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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