did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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