Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
