I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
