My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize