i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
