There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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